I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
