I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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