I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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