Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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