I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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