i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
