I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
we're making bets on your personal life
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
