I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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