I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Congratulations! We have a period
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