We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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