....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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