The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it was like having sex with a tree stump
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
