Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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