I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Houston, we have a squirter
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
