Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
