Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Randomize
