theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Your cock deserves a montage
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
