I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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