allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
