Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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