So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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