porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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