and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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