What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
