Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize