there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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