Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
