I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
