im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
