I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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