dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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