I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
