Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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