I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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