please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My vagina is very pro this idea
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