We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Green mimosas i think yes
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
