so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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