I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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