Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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