I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
