How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
