Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i love accidental penises.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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