I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
