OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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