I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
