He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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