when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
50% drunk capacity currently
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
