just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
