if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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