Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
