when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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