broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
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