I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
