i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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